I seem to do this thing where I post for a bit, then have a hiatus, then post again...
I'm back from hiatus. :)
The last couple of years have been a wild ride. I don't think I'm off the roller coaster ride yet. (I suspect I've merely become used to it.)
I have two thoughts turning over in my head. Two questions to consider.
One.
What is a "good enough" life?
Two.
If this is the body I've been given for this life (and it is), how do I work with what I have to make that "good enough" life?
I've learned the hard way that I can't simply force my way through things. My body will shut down on me whether I will it or no. I have to work within my limitations. Grumble grumble.
So I wonder. What will this "good enough" life look like? It's going to be interesting to find out.
Wow. Do you have fibromyalgia? I have been facing the same issues over the last few years. I worked so hard on my education and finished my master's. Then I moved to Washington, DC and worked hard to establish a career only to find myself facing permanent disability at 32 years old. My student loans weren't even paid off.
ReplyDeleteI have spent the last 10 years in bed. I have been blessed beyond my dreams with a patient, wonderful husband. And we have 2 boys. We adopted our oldest in 2004. My illness was tough but manageable at the time despite the disability. I could get out in my garden for a bit a couple times a week and visited family in Ohio on occasion. Then we had a big surprise when I was 39 and my doc told me that I was 5 months pregnant. So he's 3 now.
I am thrilled with my kids but I am not even close to the mother I wanted to be. I have never gone camping with my oldest even though he's been in scouts since he was 5. I saw him compete as a gymnast once in the two years he did that and now that he swims I haven't been able to go to a single meet even though I swam for 12 years as a kid and coached my last two. I took some physical education classes and coaching classes in college because I wanted to coach or at least help when my kids swam. I have been trick-or-treating with them once and I can barely help with homework because of the fog.
I have read a lot. I have learned Yoga, physical and massage therapy techniques. I am teaching myself jewelry making techniques and embroidery. I used to crochet and knit like a mad woman and I taught myself to spin my own yarn.
But, for the most part I am in bed 22 or more hours a day. I have no one besides my husband who speaks to me regularly. And even if I have accomplished in educating myself about various topics I haven't take that knowledge and created anything so that when I die all of that is gone as if it never were.
So, yes, what is a good enough life? I am completely lost in this life. I trained and educated myself for a completely different life than I am having. I used my advanced communication skills once. The online support group I was in some years ago was having troll problems. I told them not to respond in any way because that fed their need for chaos. Ta Da! That's what $50,000 worth in education buys you. That and a dollar will get you a bottle of water (sometimes).
Why did this happen and what am I supposed to do now?
Anyway, I just identified with your question. I swore when I was 18 years old that I never wanted to have regrets. I did learn that regret is something that I create and so to live that way you need to weed any thoughts of regret if you don't want to have them. Except I haven't been able to have a garden in at least 5 years and mine's so full of regret now that I have very little space to plant anything else.
Sorry, I always end up writing long soliloquies. When you spend the majority of your time alone you end up with very little to spout except soliloquies.
Take care of yourself,
Shari