So I have this really odd brain. Sometimes it's smart, and sometimes it's just plain stupid. I love the smart times, and to be perfectly honest, I despise the stupid times. After all, who doesn't enjoy feeling competent, and who enjoys feeling, well, less-than-competent. Right? Right. Exactly.
It's like I have a toggle switch or a volume dial in my brain that changes my level of functioning. Unfairly, I don't have control over that damn switch or dial or whatever it is that changes my ability to function from reasonably competent to not. I think I should have control over it. After all, it is my brain; it belongs to me. It stands to reason (at least to me) that I should have the final say over what happens to that damn switch/dial in my very own brain, but I don't. I simply don't.
I hate that.
There are lots of supposedly very good reasons why that damn switch gets to do it's own damn thing regardless of my wishes. I get it. The brain is a living part of a living thing. As such, it is vulnerable to fatigue, poor nutrition, environment, stress, injury, etc... Soooo, it stands to reason (says the reasonable and logical me), that its level of function would differ periodically depending on all those factors plus a whole host of other other factors that I have probably never even heard about.
So this is all perfectly normal, and it's time to stop fussing about it... now...
Right now if you please. Enough is enough. Right.
Wrong.
It's not okay with me. Not by a long shot. The reasonable and logical me is not in charge apparently. I don't feel at all reasonable or logical about this. I'm feeling quite fussy. When that damn toggle switch or volume dial moves from "competent" to "something-other-than-competent", I feel Threatened and Vulnerable. Threatened by what exactly? Vulnerable to what exactly? There is no good answer to that. Unfortunately, the absence of a good answer fails to stem the tide of fear and anxiety that accompanies the state of "something-other-than-competent". The fear and anxiety are as inexorable as, well, as inexorable as the tide actually.
I find that I am ashamed of myself for my inability to keep from falling into the place of something-other-than-competent. When in that place, I become hyper-aware that information is moving too fast for me to process. I know I'm missing things. Conversation can become unintelligible. My to-do list fails to make any sense. My mind flutters about like a panicked bird trying desperately to keep up with what's going on around me. Everything is too loud, too fast, two bright, and I am unable to catch up. No matter how hard I try, and I try very hard, I am unable to keep up. And frankly, the louder/busier/more crowded the environment, the faster I find myself in that place. It's frightening. It's embarrassing too, as it's impossible to completely camouflage my impared state when interacting with others.
And I Hate It. Did I mention that I hate it? I think my hatred of it is quite logical really. Who enjoys being frightened or embarrassed? Nobody I know.
I know the antidote to the something-other-than-competent. It's simple really: a good measure of quiet and rest, mixed well, and taken regularly. Enough rest in a quiet environment will reset that damn switch back to competent 99% of the time. The thing I find frustrating is that enough-rest equates to quite-a-lot-of-rest in my case.
This is very hard for me to accept. Other people don't seem to have this problem. Besides, I think my brain should obey my commands you see. After all, it resides in my head. My house (figuratively speaking), my rules - Right?
Yeah....
Despite the date on my birth certificate, I suspect my brain remains a defiant adolescent. It's not buying into the idea. It's quite stubborn actually.
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